Post-flu clarity.

I can count on my hands the amount of times I’ve felt alive, truly alive.

I felt it back in 2015, outside my first wrestling live event when I asked a stranger if I could hold his championship and take a picture. I felt a rush that can only be described as electricity in my veins. I felt powerful, like nothing could stop me.

I felt it in 2022, the last Friday of the year, when I went out drinking with my friends. Something about that night was so pure, and wholesome, and fun and I couldn’t explain it at the time, but I knew good things would come out of it. That night strengthened my bond with the people I hold dear to my heart today. 

I felt it early this year, at The Eras Tour, when I properly listened to the lyrics of August. I’d heard the song before, more times than I care to admit, but it wasn’t until that night that it truly pierced into my very existence. August isn’t my favorite Taylor Swift song, but that night it made my knees buckle. To live for the hope of it all.

I felt it again today, day 5 of recovering from the flu, the feeling in my body was foreign but welcoming, It had been five days of bed rest, five days of no work and responsibilities, five days of being present, even when everything else was distant. I took a breath today that sent the same jolt of electricity in my veins as that wrestling match, and for the life of me couldn’t explain it.  

I was sitting in my bed after finishing my 6th book this week. Neon Gods, a modern day retelling of Hades and Persephone. It was sinfully delicious, but it wasn’t enough to warrant this reaction out of me. My eyes drifted across the room to my John Cena calendar from 2011, who has seen me through all the moments I’d been alive, and all the moments I haven’t. It was almost like a confirmation of the feeling inside me, an acknowledgment.

I don’t take moments like this for granted. I don’t take anything for granted. Each time something like this happens it opens my eyes and lets me see clearly, as clearly as my bad eyesight can manage, of how far I’ve come, and everything I had to do to get here. 

There’s a sense of peace surrounding me today, and a quiet anticipation. It’s nearly 9pm, the heavy rain and thunder has mellowed into a soft drizzle. The temperature of my AC is at a comfortable 24 degrees, and while the house is full, my room is quiet, and I can’t help but love it. A little cocoon, just for me. 

This post doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t have to. Tomorrow may be a grumpy day, or it might be the best day of my life, and the excitement that elicits out of me is almost criminal. I distinctly remember a conversation I had at the school library with someone, and I say someone because I genuinely can’t remember who it was, in my senior year. The conversation implied that I never fully revel in my triumphs and blessings because I am afraid of what comes next. I can’t believe it took five days of reading pure, decadent, smut, and bleeding out of my vagina while fighting a viral flu would be the thing to snap me back to reality.

Something bad can come next, but something good can come too. To live for the hope of it all. 

The last few years have felt like I have been on autopilot, that I was in the driving seat but I was never fully in charge of the wheel. Something feels like I’m finally in control now, and I hope to god it is not a fever fuelled illusion. 

 I don’t always take the time to think about how far I’ve come in life, but I had 5 uninterrupted days this past week that showed me how much growth has occurred in all avenues of my life. Ten years ago I was an insecure little girl who would have broken apart if you looked at her the wrong way, she wanted more than anything to leave Sri Lanka and never look back. She was lost, and misguided, but who isn’t at 16?

I stand before you today, a decade later, comfortable in my skin, happy with where I am in life, with no plans whatsoever to leave my little island. I am surrounded by love and strong bonds I hope to carry with me as I grow and progress further.

It’s easy to get lost in life when you’re running with no destination. Hustling, grinding, working yourself to the bone till you can’t recognize who is staring at you in the mirror. I stopped running long ago, cardio was never my strong suit anyway. I’m not lost because I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. 

I’m ending this post from the most chaotic movie teenager I can think of:

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”  – Ferris Bueller 

Thank you for coming to my TED talk, cover image is from Pexels.